on the silver snake
barreling through the underworld
you smile like buddha

no not like buddha

like someone who doesnt understand
the first noble truth

we sit in its belly
trapped by glass and steel
and anonymity that comes from late night commutes
butting up against one another pretending
we dont feel the pressure

light plays across your features
winding in the darkness

i dont know your destination
or your name
your folded hands perfect
in guarding your purse

unknowingly your head nods to the beat
of the the tracks
swaying with the city's nocturne

you ignore my eyes
until its your stop
and you exit
in the winds cold embrace

days were spent outdoors. in the blood red light of dusk. those nights where the smell of the dirt kicked up as you ran ran ran mad to catch up to someone anyone mingled with that harsh damp smell of new england summers. those nights when you were free. screaming across fields of grass. when our games had elaborate rules that changed on a whim and everyone understood them. we played hard and it wasnt successful til knees bled and grass stains achieved. these were the nights we danced with fireflies. catching them in jars that would light our tents with their death. these were the days before we understood that. wed play until our porch light came on across the field and the call for dinner came.

summers were spent at emory park. not really a pool. we caught snakes and frogs and turtles. wed cannonball into the water so cold it would take our breath away. i used to let it go and sink to the bottom. watching people float suspended on the surface. feet and suits and splashes between the sun that pierced the murky waters. out here wed make secret plans to fool our parents into letting us spend the night. swimming was only interrupted for marathons of homerun derby, sand castle building, and lunch packed in coolers. carefully made my moms who sat on the hill above the water. one eye on us the other on their book. somewhere in the beach lies the buried toys of my past. fallen soldiers to the Great Action Figure War of 1991. these were the beaches where we first noticed girls. although looking back our ability to splash them from the waterslide was probably not the best method of gaining their affection. we spent our lives there. learning to swim. growing older.

i dont remember the last time i went there.

now i pass it on the way home. the hill that we ran down in our rush to climb the fence seems so small now. the sound of the metal dragging along the paved walkway as we carried our mothers beach chairs echoes still in my brain. the feel of the towel wrapped around your neck. the sandals begging to be kicked off for that first icy plunge. these are things ill never forget. the sound of laughter echoing in the pool as we sat around wooden picnic tables playing cards for potato chips. smoking pretzel cigars. we sat at the lifeguards table cause we were cool like that. not because they were our friends older brothers and sisters. that would be lame. i remember trying to spin people off of the merry go round. so hot in the sun that we needed our towels to sit.

summers always ended the same way. with the smell of hay and cotton candy. the whirr and noise of the rides. the music from the games. wed run around in a group free from our parents. only returning to them when we needed money or to ask if we could spend the night somewhere. the clickclickclickclickclickclick of the cake wheel mixed with splashes from the dunking booth and announcements from the center tent. somewhere in the back old people played bingo in the white elephant tent. next to the state troopers who told us to buckle up and not to drink and drive. we played bingo. cards spread out over the table a mad rush to find the numbers and mark them before the next was called. it never changed. but it got smaller as we got older and drifted apart. after we got to high school wed go to see who would show up. wandering listlessly around the crowds of kids playing the same games we played.

summer still ends the same way. exploding like spiders across the stars. red green blue white. i like the ones that scream as they fall. it reminds me of the days when we all knew each other. our whole lives behind us and an infinite future before us.

to those that no longer face that future with us.

destiny. 1000ish words or more (its me). Napkin.

karma. unmutable. but through right choice. right thought. etc. recognizing the root of suffering and changing it. for others as well (compassion). this can change the outcome of situations. your outlook/health improve. opportunites change. everything is always in flux. things happen for a reason. cause and effect. you may have a goal in mind but life has a way fo changing that fast and brutally.  or soft and sweetly.

i believe things are meant ot be. the way things happen in the past is unchangable so thereofre they happened as they happened. as they were meant to happen. the result of some sort of balance. the only moment is now. the future is unknowable. the moment in between breaths is whats important.

fireflies. goldfish. memory. ghosts. thoughts dreams. streams.

the real point is to live with compassion. to positively change things around you. this is the real goal of being human. stuck on this mortal coil while the three mad ones play with our strings. change is good. smile it helps.


destiny. destin me best in me.

okay anyway ive lost my train of thought if i even had one. the point is i have an article to write. my second for this magazine and i want it good.

sometimes i have clandestine dreams. or is it clementine? i can never tell. either way theyre succulent sticky and sweetly secretive. and mostly involve trists in between moonbeams and raindrops. in shadows of hidden times. away from others. out of sight.

mostly i remember the feel of your hair. soft like wheat fields in the waning months of summer. but when i wake theres frost on my windows and the bed is empty. winter. i believe too much. the everchanging truths of. early morning frost.

december mourning. the pillars that once held us up have crumbled. under the weight of too many years of arguments and half lies. scattered and scared we cower in the safety of family videos. the electronic images must be how it was. wrapping paper strewn on the floor. cardboard trampled under foot. the four of us. the two of them. young and unaware of the cracks slowly forming below. too intent on our transformers and ghostbusters and the newness of it all. you werent around yet. you didnt come til later. the end. in the waning months of summer. when wed lay in bed. as you held me. listening to them fight. doors slamming. our pillars werent strong enough to stand either. yours already cracked from a broken home. mine cracking. we desperately built them up . feeding each other as we tried to outrun the inevitable. remember? we were best friends then. only we knew each other like we did. already having mapped our valleys and mountains. rivers and fields. explored in the inbetween moments. inbetween class. inbetween sheets. inbetween dreams.

we tattooed the halls of memory with eloquent graffiti. now those walls lie abandoned in valleys no longer traveled. we were too caught up in the travails of our own existence toward the end. lobbing words like grenades. and those small explosions turned into weapons of mass destruction.

its funny how i judge my life in sections. beginning with winters. ending with summers. the times between uneventful. or just the opposite. ending with winters beginning with summers. the times between filled with chaos. both are right. neither means anything.

om mani padme hum

december night. i sit in the dark. exorcising these ghosts. centering my being through words. anchored with each period. somehow if i can get this out ill be okay. somehow if i move ill be okay. somehow if i figure out what to do ill be okay. somehow if im with her ill be okay. somehow if im with you ill be okay. somehow if i do this ill be okay. somehow if i have that ill be okay. all these lies we tell ourselves. i tell myself. pulled into the promise of any possibility.

but im okay. tonight i dream of smiles and laughs. the coming summers bounty. slowly stone by stone im building my tower. leaving windows as i go. careful not to miss anything this time.

new projects are bubbling up and now i feel like im going to have a lot more free time on my hands when i finally move than i thought. be that good or bad remains to be seen.

notes to myself... that wont ever be read. or followed so whats the point. right now im just going to see what happens and play it by ear. sort of like ive been doing for the last 2 years. lifes not going to get easier. so i just dig in and face what comes with whatever optimism is still in me. my days flutter in between frames of film. missing what goes on. the plot lost for the moment. drama bleeds through sometimes make of that what you will. sometimes i do wait. or feel like im waiting and i hate that. cause i promised myself i wouldnt. but im a thief. and the night makes me a liar. so im not surprised. i guess its hard when you see what you want but you know its ridiculous and far away. and my impatience makes waiting all that much harder. the inbetween things meaningless so why bother. i see myself clearly looking back at myself from the future. laughing. shaking my head at my ramblings. content in whatever it is im doing. taht is not clear its just the knowledge that ill get there. and somewhere between there and now here and then i wont be waiting anymore.

scared of what youll think. scared of what will become. scared to disappoint. scared that ill return to the darkness that i struggled so hard against. sometimes it seems so comforting. jumping back into the void. but i can open up. now i can feel. see. taste. exist. i feel myself breaking off the last tendrils of the past. moving toward something. cut the umbilical. a return. rebirth. cept the tether is to the old mes. the 10 year old asking why im not a videogame designer or a paleontologist. the 21 year old asking what happened to my life my love my future. the 14 year old asking me why i never finish anything i started. way back then. they are legion. with just as many questions. as i dont have answers i have to shrug. its the first noble truth i say. life is shit sometimes. things change. and you are what you are and you do what you do.

i still have those dreams. deep inside. they come out when im sleeping and dance on my irises. reminders of what im not and what i am and what changes at each moment. maybe ill wake up and be back on that rooftop. watching the city wake. ill realize what ive done. the paths ive taken. and choose new ones. or ill wake tomorrow. and choose them for myself. flip a coin and leave it to the three old bitches. the mad ones.

now im tumbling falling through a space with no bottom. too many choices and chances and doors to choose. i wish i had a subtle knife. to cut my way into the future. driving through the snow tonight i almost slid off the road. i thought to myself this could be it. ive lived well. ive loved lost hurt fucked laughed cried slept held in arms that loved me seen birth seen death seen the world seen my self change and grow over time. that impermanent bastard. i had to laugh.

i look forward to tomorrow.

until then dream the deaths of the past. and bathe in their transforming waters.

the death rattle of cicadas was our lullaby. i sat in my tent staring out into the canopies of the trees that obscured the stars. muffled sounds of love making came from the tent next to me. lines from frost ran through my head like newly learned mantra. repeating in endless cycles until there were nothing but woods lovely dark and deep. i was hypnotized. out here on the damp ground far away from the zombies and their suits. the hustlers and thieves. hipsters and punks. alone truly for the first time since the night i found her.

her hair splayed violently across the rim of the tub. woods lovely dark and deep. her naked body pale through the darkened water. woods lovely dark and deep woods lovely dark and deep. i remember screaming shouting and crying all at once. retching with the loss. her eyes clouded had looked right through me. seeing only beyond. woods lovely dark and deep woods lovely dark and deep woods lovely dark and deep. i fought the men who came to take her away. lashing out at the emptiness that threatened to envelope me. now alone in the woods that very emptiness surrounds me like a blanket. woodslovelydarkanddeepwoodslovelydarkanddeepwoodslovelydarkanddeep. the embers of the fire dance upward in the night air. i push all other thoughts from my head. tired from the drive i finally fall asleep.

in the morning the mood around the fireplace had changed. the night had gotten to us all. we ate quietly. packed the tents and moved on. pulled by some instinct toward a place none of us knew. angel and gray kept back behind me. letting me sort through the ghosts that night brought. none of us knew when we lost the trail. it didnt matter. our shirts clung to our backs. the silence only broken by falling branches.

hey. angel said. lets stop here.
i shrug.
we sit on rocks and stare at the ground. passing a joint around we start to unwind. letting the silence become our soundtrack.
remember when we went to the shore and got caught in the storm? i say.
angel and gray looked at each other.
jess and i ran under the boardwalk and watched the lightning. i remember the smell of her hair. but for some reason i cant remember the sound of her voice.
angel reaches out and puts his hand on my shoulder. we all miss her man, he says.
last night was rough i remembered the night i found her. she slipped into the hole she was so scared of. and i wasnt around the help her get out. damn she was so beautiful sometimes. mornings when we used to lay in bed letting the light come in through the blankets. i remember her smiles and her eyes. so clear and able to look right into my deepest waters.
angel kept his hand on my arm not saying anything.
those little moments man, those little moments of enlightenment. mini nirvanas. ive never felt anything like that with anyone else. but i wasnt around. i didnt try to fight it when it was over. i was just too tired. too strung out. if i had called her back. even a month after she ended it. maybe it wouldve been different.
no it wouldnt. she was gone man. you know how she got. you knew her better than any of us. you were the only one she let in. the only one she allowed herself to be vulnerable with. she knew she was slipping. she didnt want to take you with her.
she loved you. gray added. quietly holding angels other hand.
i couldnt even cry at her funeral. i said. i couldnt feel anything for a long time. i was numb angry confused. nothing made sense. and the fucked up thing is i still love her. and her ghost wont let me go.

we sat in silence for a while after that. lying on the ground staring up at the clouds. lost in memories. ghosts.

somewhere inside me something shifted. opened. i stood up and screamed into the woods. everything. dreams hopes memories touches smells the feel of her hands on my back the feel of her lips against mine. all tumbled out. i was blind to everything. it was me and this beast that i had held inside for so long. i collapsed against the rock. drained. tears came with no control. angel held me in his arms while i sobbed.

later we decided to continue. we shouldve turned back. if you ever find this. im sorry.

i spent the last two days in bed watching law and order special victims unit. why? i dont know something in my body just gave out. with a raging headache and exhaustion i just couldnt get out of bed and go to work . so instead of staying home and getting ready for say...my eventual move to brooklyn (which involves packing my massive movie collection my clothes and not much else) cleaning my room (which involves laundry and ummm more laundry) i lay in bed and watch rapists and child molesters get put behind bars (most of the time) by the fine detectives of the svu. lately ive been moody. this is due to lots of things. stress over the move and the inevitable struggle to find a job. the frustration at not being able to change how my sisters are acting and the knowledge that if i do try it will damage the already sometimes shaky relationship i share with them. its the stress of watching my grandmother slowly succumb to a disease that is utterly horrific. her strength and desire to fight slowly being eroded under the relentless exhaustion that ALS creates.

also recently shes come back into my dreams. not with the intensity or frequency of a year ago. but the holidays bring up ghosts and shes the biggest one in my closet. i worry that i wont ever be okay with it. and i hate that. i know its irrational and largely untrue. but its the whatifs and just in cases. the spaces i find myself in can be harsh reminders of what no longer exists. living here for a year is a reminder of why i essentially moved out in high school. the insanity of the house. the lack of structure. thankfully less fights. but its hard to feel at home anywhere now except for my grandparents. i feel like a vagabond. hopefully this move (one i realize will be one of many in the future until i find a place or person to settle down with) will bring a sense of stability to me and allow me to focus on what i need to get done. i need to write more. i need to work on film. i need to finish learning korean. i need to meditate. i need to figure out my way back onto where i was headed before i was knocked off it for a year. im starting. i have been for a while. staying here though is hampering this.

and all of this is just me complaining into the ether. exorcising my demons into the anonymity of the internet. ignore it. please.

my mind wanders along the keys. etching blue notes in my brain. somewhere in some other life i wasnt like this. memories didnt haunt me. the notes sway and form in 3/4ths time. my heart breaks again. remembering soft touches and smiles. words aimed to wound like cupids poison-tipped arrows. there were promises made in those late nights between sleep and dreams. when our bodies lay twisted and warm against each other. with fingers working to memorize lines and curves. our eyes would be closed. we breathed each other in. the scent of our sweat and sex fragrant in the summer night. outside cicadas buzzed their death songs while fireflies danced in the field. back then we struggled to keep things together. and in between tears and kisses i knew it was over. i just refused the inevitable. your promises hooked me, the perfect bait. the thing that hurt the worst in those final conversations was that i knew you meant everything you said.

sometimes in the night id watch you sleep. curled up against me. your hair wild and untamed, enjoying the freedom before morning. i wondered what it would feel like to sleep in your absence. the hole that you would leave in my bed. in my life. youd shift and your hair would fly into my face. still smelling of the shower. now even after that hole has been patched. sometimes deep in the night. in other beds. with other hair in my face. you come back to me. your words and smiles and absent eyes. never content to be happy.

in dreams you appear with less and less frequency. demanding entrance back into the life you left. much older than i was then, having lived many lifetimes since, its easier for me to deny you. the sounds of your voice slowly forgotten. the curves that my fingers had memorized and lips had captured, replaced by others.

in the moonlight now i sleep naked and often alone. the cool blankets of the stars washes away the days labor. if i strain to listen i can hear them singing their songs. coyotes howl and the wind blows leaves from the trees. the morning will bring exhaustion as i tread through their corpses trailing memories behind like leaves of my own.

in cool october
memory dies on the trees
crunching under foot

haikus rattle around my brain before coffee. pushing the boundries. my thoughts are regimented. like a moth to the flame i am drawn toward a new heat. though the blue notes etched into my soul demand that i am hesitant.

100. i am a romantic to a fault
99. that means i love easy and hurt often
98. it doesnt mean im stupid or masochistic
97. i simply enjoy living
96. i know that suffering exists...the first noble truth
95. im an obsessive reader. i read everything including the nutritional boxes on cereal if thats the only thing in front of me
94. i read more than one book at a time
93. i finish most of them
92. im empathic and a good listener
91. that doesnt mean its okay for you to come up to me in a bar and tell me all the fucked up shit in your life
90. unless youre a hot girl and you buy me a drink first
89. im not going to sleep with you
88. i may cuddle
87. i am the worlds greatest cuddler
86. also im a great kisser.
85. i over think everything
84. even though i smile and laugh a lot doesnt mean im not serious
83. people sometimes underestimate me because im nice
82. those people are easy to manipulate
81. sometimes i pretend im people im not with people i just met
80. i can be shy
79. i like movies
78. especially bad horror films and zombie movies.
77. also giant monster movies
76. i love my family
75. they also drive me crazy
74. i worry obsessively over my siblings and my cousins and while i know they will turn out ok...its hard for me to see them fuck up now
73. ive been a father to my father
72. that was hard
71. ive been a living ghost and barely existed for a while
70. my dreams are wild and strange things with lives of their own
69. sometimes i wish i could stay asleep
68. i get used to sleeping with people too easily.
67. im constantly learning
66. i cant control my wonder at everything. and i like sharing things i learn with people
65. this can come across as condescending and know-it-all-ish
64. i hate that i have to tell stories related to other peoples experiences. i dont know why i do it i just do.
63. i cry if im sad
62. the past couple years have been rough and ive done a lot of that
61. i chew gum loudly
60. i dug up dinosaur bones in montana for three summers
59. ive been all over the american west and alaska
58. ive been to korea twice.
57. i have a korean family and name
56. i swear i dont just like asian girls
55. i love games
54. i dont play them in relationships
53. i like the smell of clean clothes, gas, and cookies
52. i feel guilty that i dont talk to my mother more
51. im closer to my grandmother than either of my parents sometimes
50. im horrified of needles
49. im also scared of falling from heights and killer bees
48. im scared that ill never trust someone enough to fall that in love again
47. i also like chick flicks
46. my music taste is pretty much anything. i like hiphop folk and classic rock.
45. mixtapes and good writing make me fall
44. im a dog person
43. i want a tattoo (or 3 or 4)
42. when i was in 8th grade i wanted my eyebrow pierced
41. my mom wants to pierce my ears.
40. i like girls with tattoos
39. i cant seem to finish things i write
38. i rarely edit the things i do
37. i also hardly ever beat the videogames i have. this bugs my best friend.
36. my best friend and i hated each other when we first met
35. i was bored in school
34. i loved high school and college
33. not the schools themselves but the people
32. i blaze my own trail even if it doesnt make sense
31. im scared im not going to finish doing the things i want to do
30. i will be an amazing father
29. i want four kids
28. i write poems...theyve been known to make girls fall in love with me
27. i dont want to end up like my father
26. but i also do
25. my grandparents house is the only place i feel at home
24. i havent felt at home since before high school
23. i had a home for close to 4 years in college. but it was transitory. and it broke my heart.
22. im a better person because of it
21. i pick cds and books out by covers
20. usually theyre pretty good
19. i read comics
18. i also watch cartoons
17. i wish i had more time to do photography
16. i also wish i drew more
15. i wanted to be a videogame programmer
14. i also wanted to be a paleontologist
13. i learned to read in nursery school, on the toilet, reading calvin and hobbes
12. i dont sleep much
11. i miss my friends. i have too many close ones that live far away
10. sometimes i wonder what would happen if i had made different choices
9. i dont regret the ones i made.
8. i believe in ghosts, reincarnation and ufos
7. also bigfoot and the unexplained
6.i like the mystery and wonder
5. i procrastinate and im lazy
4. i love the fall and winter
3. i love food especially korean bbq
2. my identity is always in flux and i worry sometimes that i get attached to the idea of permanence
1. i am never who i think i am. yet i am the result of everything ive thought and done.

recently things have been going alternatively in fast and slow motion. i have no control over the switch. the fall is here. the crisp smell of fallen leaves under my shoes and the air has a hint of the bite that is to come. yesterday i sat on a porch staring at the sky. the changing colors of the leaves against the cool blue of the evening. geese flew over head. fall is here.

im tired. i havent been sleeping well with dreams too intense to stay asleep. alternatively nightmares and hope. i have no control over the switch. late night conversations have drifted into midday messages. somethings happening and im going along for the ride. my mornings are fueled by smiles and coffee.

the apartment is almost ready. im still scared that i wont find a job and that this move is gonna kill me. i know it wont. but that last glimmer of myself that ive worked to kill off over the past year and a half is holding on by a small thread. i hope this move will sever it. too many good things have gone on in the last month or two. bad things as well. i hope this apt brings home.

too many books lie unread, things unwritten, and films not watched. i wish i didnt need to sleep. then i could say the things i mean to say to you do the things i mean to do. maybe i will. when their time has come.

coyotes are howling outside of my window. and the moon hangs low and pregnant in the trees. change is here and i welcome it.

I sit
My heart burns
And my passion is in flames
Scattering the ashes of my soul
Into the air like a flock
Of a thousand birds
Only to land on the branches
Of my thoughts
of you

In a past life, fortunes foretold
destruction seen work put on hold
blue skies bleed as moons eclipse the sun
and we search for a martyr in the form of a man
plans damn the clan as disciples rise from the sand
fire rains from the sky and scorches the land
I am struck
full on by the futility I raise my fist to the sky
with open palms of humility
I hear my mother calling
but I cannot reach her
and I keep telling her
Its okay mom
Its okay mom
Its okay
It takes me a minute to realize she is no longer calling me
my village is shattered memories
no longer attached to the land of my forefathers
I wander
the scorched desert tattoos its protest on my feet
three eyed newts and feathered lizards
keep on the edge of the ledge of my sanity
and I pray that my mind stay focused
as I wander the desert of man
and rise with the moon toward divinity

rooted in place we dance
not holding our feelings, rather
hiding them in pockets
we dance
with our eyes we can gain clues of feelings
I laugh scratch the back of my head
wash my face
return to bed
you turn and smile at me
I smile back
climb into bed
our limbs shift to entwine
and we continue our dance
We dance not knowing
dance separately
twisting, twirling, spinning
rooted in our hidden feelings
as angels hold us
our eyes break through
they can move, they can dance
we waltz
moving with the symphony of silent touches and soft smiles
I brush your hair
close my eyes
and drift into your heart

Boss: Rufus you fistfucker go out to the truck and get me 1/2 PVC fittings and a 3/4 PVC male adopter. (continues to bullshit with Corey about nothing while were trying to get work done)
I go out to the truck and see that of course he hasnt ordered 1/2 PVC fittings after we used them a couple weeks ago. I grab 2 45s and a T along with the 3/4 male adopter knowing we dont need the 45s or T but if i dont bring them ill get shit for it.
Me: yo we only had this shit.
Boss: what the fuck. okay ill order them take them out to the truck.
Me: even the 3/4 male? we need it for the condensate pump.
Boss: yeah ill have them deliver.
Me:...okay

15 minutes later

Boss: rufus where the fuck is that 3/4 i asked you to bring in?
me: are you fuckin serious? you told me to bring it back out to the truck
Boss: no i didnt i told you to bring it in...dont talk back to me
me: fuck off you told me to bring it back into the truck
boss: no i didnt go get it...fast...and stop being a dick

cue corey laughing his ass off behind the boss as I go back out to the truck...

this shit happens everyday
......................

my favorite

I'm carrying a 25 pound tool bag and a cordless kit case (cordless drill, skillsaw, sawzall,light and charger) into the attic crawl space. My boss is on the otherside of the house playing with the oil burner.

Boss: Rufus wheres my fuckin vice grips?
me: right behind you in the bucket
Boss: hand them to me?
me: are you fuckin serious?
Boss: why arent they in my hand yet? fast. answer!

and yes he actually expects me to drop what im doing (as im balanced precariously on a ladder over a large hole that essentially goes down into the basement...) and travel all the way across the house to hand him a tool that is literally a foot behind him.

i love my job
.........................

me: sawzall all this shit out?
corey: yeah...thats what he said just watch out cause theres nothing below you cept the sheetrock for the ceiling....
me: yeah you dont want to pull an eric (my boss put his foot through the ceiling of a finished house the day before the new owners moved in...i tried really hard not to laugh)
corey: yeah also watch out for wires.
me: k

45 minutes of bullshitting and sawzalling later

me: done
corey: go put all the wood in the truck so i can burn it later
me: k

he picks up the drill to start drilling the holes for the vent pipe. i go out to the truck and put the shit in the back. i come back in

corey: FUCK
me: unacceptable...watch your fuckin language
corey: dont look in the bathroom downstairs

i look of course....big hole in the ceiling where the drill went through

me: definitaly unacceptable

10 minutes later were doing another vent pipe...

corey: this fuckin thing wont drill through this...

he proceeds to holesaw it out in chunks...

me: watch the fuckin wire
corey: you think this is my first day on the job? I am not happy with you right now
me: you hit that and you know exactly what will happen...
corey: rufus you fistfucker you want to drill?
me: fuck no

he puts the drill to the wood again

ZZZZZT giant spark

cut right through the fuckin wire

silence

me: unacceptable

then to top it off today my boss calls us at work

boss: which wire is it?
corey: what do you mean which one its the one sticking through the fuckin floor if it had teeth it would bite you
boss: did you tape it
corey: no i think its dead (looks at me and rolls his eyes)
boss: well which one is it?
corey: its coming right through the hole! the one thats fuckin cut in half and doesnt work anymore
boss: okay well i might have to run up there myself and tape it off just so they know which one it is....

wow.... i should write a novel

Sometimes I have dreams so real that Im confused when I wake up, its hard enough for me to separate them from reality as it is without this happening. Last night I had a dream that was so good my heart hurt a little when I woke up. Not something that I wanted to start my day out feeling, especially with what we have on deck for today as we play catch up on about 3 different job sites. That and I only had 4 hours of sleep or something equally retarded...damn my imagination and need to write...

I sit watching the rain drops carry upside down pieces of my life and wash them away. I sometimes wish it would take my memories too. Faces and places words and secrets floating like bubbles of my former self down the garbage clogged streets.

Instead I blur them with whiskey. As the smoky warmth travels down the back of my throat to my stomach the cold pit of air that has been sitting in my chest the last three months loosens. Somehow I accept the changes in my life despite my desire to fight them. I know that given time I may not-will not-remember her face, at least without some difficulty. Already I'm forgetting her smell, her taste, her sound. For now that deep and terrible hurt from a lost love is almost too much to bear. With a mental effort I retie that knot and order another round.

I sit at the bar and watch the rain beat its endless protests against the building. The water blinks in blindingly bright red and green from the endless stretches of neon that mark the bar district. A town onto itself governed by those who want to forget. Each shop selling its own brand of relief. Young couples and students stumble drunkenly in the rain from one bar to the next desperate to escape the weather and the stress that they put on themselves in school. I remember now her face in the morning letsskipclass she would whisper breathless in my ear...I strain but I still cant hear her voice just subtitles to a memory that was no longer mine. Fine, i find myself saying, before kissing her stomach and burying us in a cocoon of laughter and sheets.

I shake my head of this. The ice clinks its music as I sip. I see business men blink and strech coming out of a karaoke joint. They say their drunken goodbyes, grope some bar girls as they hand out tips, put on their rings and get into taxis on their way home only to wake up and do it all again in the morning. The taxis disappear around the corner, ceasing to exist as if they dropped off the edge of the world. And whos to say they havent. I wonder what they think about in these brief moments of freedom, of nonexistence between the world of the night and the world beyond. In their taxi freefall staring out of the rain blinded windows do they dream the dreams that they left behind to their youth? As they pass through the night do they meet those dreams on street corners and in alleys, where they ask what happened to us, to our promises and words...were they so easy to sever and forget? so easy to leave behind? do these dreams seep up to the surface with the flood? orphans looking for homes perhaps they now belong to those who know where and when to fish. Am I doomed to this fate, never to know where to cast my line?

What if this was it? Will i live out the rest of my days as a shell of a man whose dreams lie drowning in depths forbidden to him?


I take another drink and the whiskey softens my thoughts as my vision slows. The raindrops dance on their way to the ground, lost in their pattern I jump as a hand touches my shoulder.

come with me she says although i cant see her face clearly through the fog. i know she has glasses and can feel the soft whisper of her dress against my back. i can show you where dreams go to die but you have to trust me i turn in an attempt to confront her but she laughs and covers my eyes leaning closer in on my back. through her dress i feel her skin. electric. this shocks me awake for the first time in months. I take her hand in mine and we dance softly. I keep my eyes tight preferring to feel her against me as we dance to beats unheard the silence forms her into my mind. all smiles and winks, slight nods and body language. against my will i find myself smitten. this perfect silence is what you need she whispers in my ear, her lips brushing it and sending icicles of desire into my very being. who am I to argue. we leave holding hands I star at the back of her still unclear of her face as she runs forward into the rain laughing. her hand is warm and I like her messy hair from the back. I wonder what it looks like in the morning. we weave through the zombies who thirst for human contact. For a second I loose her.

do you love me? why? she says to me one morning you are too good for me an old argument recycled for the thousandth time. Still her voice is unclear and getting worse. Pretty soon she fades into darkness and silence. the warmth finds my hand again. We are buffeted the crowd escaping to the subway is so great. on the endless escalator down we loose each other twice. both times our hands find each other guided by some invisible force that I cannot explain.

my savior leads me to the edge. trust in me... she leaps off the platform and I follow having no reason not to. As the zombies stare and some scream we fall through the night. through the tracks. beginning our journey into mystery. on our quest to find where dreams go to die.

shadows elongate
slowly
creeping
crawling
along the wall
trapped by noise
i am unable to close my eyes
slowly the room blinks

red

yellow

purple

blue

I open my eyes
hours later
I realize
the lights were my lullaby
soft whispers
nonsense in the night air
an arm reaches out and
forces a shift
in my body
now face to face
innocence
silence
beauty
calm
this becomes my lullaby
I tighten my arm
drawing closer
close my
eyes
drift
away

I've forgetten more days than most
those remembered are not always easy
but to push things away is not a way
i know how to live
sometimes we have only days to fill
with idleness and ghosts
but those leave dust that is shaken
when some days hit us like squalls
and we are tossed overboard into
a sea that rages
and threatens to drown us in
its unforgiving depths
but the storms abide in time
and tho more loom on the horizon
we return to days
coasting the duldrums
lulling us into complancency
with sunlight and smiles
but to live is to fly as a wise man once said
and you must live each day
like its your last